Is Being Nice Really Nice?

As always I either write from personal experience, from the experiences of people I know or about a challenge I am facing that I want to shift.

I feel that I am in a reinvention process of becoming who I truly am as opposed to being who I think I am suppose to be to be liked, successful and happy. Not surprisingly my persistent unhappiness was a result of getting it all wrong. I lived from a preconceived notion of how to act in different situations as opposed to being open and flowing with the needs of that particular situation and in relation to the person(s) I was engaging with.

Right now, I am working on the difference between “being nice” and “being kind.” The word “nice” may be an innocuous word for some yet for me it comes with a lot of baggage. If this is not a buzzword for you then you probably don't hypervigilantly scan your environment and look for ways to control circumstances and people in your path.

I have always wanted to “be  nice.” Mother Theresa was my ideal because if I was always nice then people would love me and met my needs. And being unlovable was my deepest fear (as it is for so many of us if we are rigorously honest with ourselves). I also feared conflict and my thought was that if I was always nice and in essence did whatever anyone wanted me to do then there would be no dissension. Then I would feel comfortable. Oh the desire to be comfortable ruled my life. And kept me in a very small and painful comfort zone.

What my blinding rage has finally led me to is that I appeared to be nice by saying yes or went out of my way to accommodate others (when my insides were screaming NO WAY!) yet I was not being nice to anyone. I could not hide my true feelings and the other person either did not appreciate the gesture or felt like they were indebted to me. Like there was a silent and unwelcome contract between us. No matter what you say or do, people will feel your inner discord and it will make them very uncomfortable and you will suffer the consequences of your inner split in one way or another. Either the other person will distance themselves from you or you will feel less connected to yourself and experience that pain. Anytime we reject our needs or abandon ourselves to meet the needs of another that sets off a disastrous reaction that has farther reaching consequences than we can imagine.

I would like to clarify the big difference between compromising and being overly accommodating. It is ok to compromise on something like going to a certain restaurant for dinner that would make someone else happy when you don’t really care about what you eat that evening. It is very different if you dislike or are allergic to the food there, you think that the staff is rude and it is so loud that you left with a headache the last time you dined there. Clearly you saying yes I’d be happy to eat there tonight in the second scenario will probably leave you feeling resentful of the other person and angry at yourself for not being strong enough to set a very clear and appropriate boundary.

I believe that the only way to be truly kind to another is to be in touch with your own inner guidance system and approach another in the Spirit of Love. When your inner yes is in alignment with your outer yes. Or your inner no is in alignment with your outer no. This does not mean that we never make compromises or sacrifices for the people that we love. It simply means that we are at peace with whatever choice we make before we share it with another.

A healthy relationship can only be sustained when each person is in a loving relationship with themselves first and foremost. When one knows that they are worthy of love no matter what they do for another. Where one can weather the storms that may come from saying no to another. When one can hold their own feelings ranging from rage to sadness to abandonment when another says no to them as an honoring of themselves.

Saying no can not only be nice yet an act of tremendous courage and self-love. May you get clear on your yeses and nos and express them unapologetically and with the truth and power of who you are.

With love and light,
Amber

Living Your Intention

Well here I am back again! I wasn't sure when the day would come when I would desire to repost. I am here as I had an experience last night that reminded me of my mission to spread love and kindness and I wanted to put it out in a concrete way. To solidify my commitment and energize its power.

My last post was on February 5, 2011. The fact that I did not want to or was not called to continue my blog is ok. As it is ok if you started something and fell short of your goal. We can all drop the self-criticism and loud cries of failure and recommit to whatever we are intending for our lives in this very moment.

I was walking in NYC with a friend last night and I just happened to mention one of  my past posts called Takin It To the Street. Before I could share with him what it was about, a poor black man came up to us and  asked for money for him and his family as he could not find work. I immediately offered him one of the bushels of bananas I had purchased moments before. Afterwards, I turned to my friend and for a moment I was shocked that he was standing next to me. I thought about it and realized that I had shared an intimate connection with this stranger and I was so present in the moment that it was just me and him. Seeing the Divinity in all  is part of my definition of love and I was so grateful to be able to practice it. I didn't need to check in on my intention for giving away the bananas as my deeply positive feelings let me know the purity of the gesture. (See Takin It To the Street to get clear on your true intention for doing nice things for others.)

When we make a commitment to ourselves or reaffirm who we want to be in the world, the Universe will give us opportunities to own our vision of our best selves. Or give us the free will to reject that vision and allow us to stay stuck in the pain of separation until we are ready to do otherwise. I felt so grateful to have received an immediate opportunity to put my desire to be a force of love and kindness out into the world. Yes, it may have been a very small outward gesture yet was a giant inward leap towards embodying my true nature and purpose. Sometimes I am amazed at how quickly we are given exactly what we ask for or desperately need in any given moment. I vow to expect this Universal support and to be grateful for any form it arrives to me in.

Are you actively living who you truly are or just making plans to be that person someday when the rest of your life is in order or your to do lists are all checked off? It was recently suggested to me that I am carrying extra "weight" because I am always "waiting" to move forward with my life until all of my criteria are met (including losing weight!). Mmmmm... taking action as a weight loss method. Genuis!!! Guess what? It is already working for me:)

Glad to be posting today. I will stay in today and go where I am led. May you allow yourself to be led to a better place than you could design, plan or map out.

With love and gratitude,
Amber

Who Do You Admire? (Part 2)

I hope that you took the opportunity to completed the list of people you admire and what captivating trait attracts you to each of them. In case you missed it, go to last week’s blog post with more detailed information about this exercise.

Here’s a recap of my list: 

1. Mother Theresa (minister to the poor, sick and dying around the world)

TRAIT: Unconditional love

It is so touching for me to see the many pictures of this dear woman treating each person she came into contact with as a precious jewel worthy of exquisite care and attention. (Jesus was a past choice here.)

2. Rosa Parks (called "the first lady of civil rights" and "the mother of the freedom)

TRAIT: Courage 

I am regularly attracted to people who stand up for what they believe in regardless of what others think and the potential consequences. Those who dig in deep and push forward no matter the obstacles to honor and uphold their truth. (Frederick Douglass was a past choice here.)

3. Nelson Mandela (anti-apartheid activist)

TRAIT: Integrity

I could have chosen inner strength or courage here again yet integrity fits too. I believe that integrity is the foundation of all inspired action so it can replace all other characteristics in my book. All parts of our being must be "integrated" or in alignment to hear the guidance and direction from our higher self.

I highly recommend the inspiring movie Invictus which details Mandela’s efforts to reduce the racial tensions that remained from the apartheid era through geniusly unifying the country during the 1995 Rugby World Cup.

You know those amazing traits you so admire in others and wish you could possess? Well you also possess them. Yes you heard me right, you are as special, talented and gifted as the people you emulate. If you didn’t already possess these traits you would not be so strongly attracted to them. You wouldn’t think about and wish you could be so wonderful and/or talented in that specific area.

For example, my friend shared her 3 people with me and all were creative and innovative artists. No surprise as she is a deeply creative person who feels blocked off from her creative expression. Once she allows herself to manifest her buried gifts she may still be inspired by these artists yet not yearn to be like them (as she'll know she already is).

I specifically split this blog post into two parts because I knew that some (maybe most) people would struggle to come up with their 3 people if they already knew the overall meaning of the exercise. Do you feel uncomfortable comparing yourself to those you put on a pedestal or see as larger than life?

If you already knew the point of the exercise before you started your list, did you face resistance to either starting the list or to come up with 3 people once you began? 

You may be denying these traits within yourself and seeking them in others so you can vicariously feel their power. The truth is that you truly long to shine the light on them in you yet are not yet courageous enough so you settle for the rub off effect.

Your denial that you could possess truly inspirational traits may be blocking you from receiving the inner connection, aliveness and peace you seek. If you don’t believe it, you can’t receive (or feel) it. You will only allow into your life (everything from personal expression to people to situations) that which fits into your preconceived concept of reality.

I’d love to hear who you admire because I’m simply interested in who you are and even more so because that is evidence that you are embracing your special gifts. The more you own them the sooner the rest of the world gets to receive and appreciate them. You are not helping anyone by hiding who you are. Yet you are certainly harming yourself and the masses by hiding your genius under a seemingly humble cover of insecurity. You deserve to feel the joy of your brilliance. Shine on!

In admiration for who you are,

Amber

Don’t Want to Do It? Do It Anyway

In follow up to my last blog about our constant opportunity to express our best selves, I’d like to share my all time favorite poem with you. These beautiful sentiments from Mother Theresa perfectly illustrate the notion that we are never in competition with others or at the mercy of anyone.
 
Anyway
People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway.

If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway.

If you are successful, you will win some false friends and some enemies; succeed anyway.

If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building, someone could destroy overnight; build anyway.

If you find serenity and happiness, they may be jealous; be happy anyway.

The good you do today, people will often forget tomorrow; do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough; give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and (your Truth) or God; it was never between you and them anyway.

Written by Mother Theresa (engraved on the wall of her home for children in Calcutta)

I strongly suggest that you print out this poem and keep it close by to remind you that you can always be a little nicer and a little kinder. (Please leave your email address on the comments section and I can email you a pretty version of the poem.) In service of your own peace and growth. Remember it’s not about the other character in your momentary drama. It’s about the everlasting you.

KINDNESS KREATION: If someone angers or anyone annoys you today and you feel rage bubbling force or you immediately judge them, use all of your inner strength to pause and not react. Reach deep within your heart and send them love and compassion. Yes it is in there even if you can’t find it in that moment. Or reach in your pocket to take out your copy of dear Mother Theresa’s poem. You will be utterly amazed at how your painful feelings dissipate (maybe quickly, maybe slowly) and you are once again in touch with your own humanity. Certainly feels a whole lot better than getting lost in the animalistic urges within.
 
Let me know how your anger experiment goes.

Sending you love and light,
Amber

I Resolve To...

Happy New Year. May you enjoy the birth of a new year and also know that you can resolve to make loving choices for your physical, emotional and spiritual growth in each moment you are alive. And to make grand gestures of loving kindness to all living beings. There is no need to wait for a specific date, you only need the impetus to know that your heart deeply desires to open more fully. That can happen after a seeming “negative experience” such as you yelling at someone you care about or after a “positive experience” where you felt loved and heard.

I’d like to share the resolutions I connect to each day so that I can infuse the spirit of love and light in all that I am and all that I do. These are not 2011 New Year’s Resolutions, these are lifetime commitments that require attention and persistence in each moment. I may steer off course regularly yet I know that I will always come back to these guiding principles. I trust that in time that I will naturally take fewer detours.

I resolve to:
• clear away anything that blocks the love and light inside of me
• love, accept and offer compassion to my fellow humans as I focus on the Divine within them
• treat all sentient beings and our glorious planet with love, care and respect
• have complete faith and trust that my God-given wisdom is always unfolding perfectly for my highest good
• live with integrity, accept myself unconditionally and honor all of my experiences
• embody the highest expression of myself in each moment
• be at peace within and with the world around me
• burn so brightly that I ignite others

My deepest wish for you is that you take an honest appraisal of who you want to be in the world and resolve to step forward in that image. Not just in January 2011 – throughout the year and beyond.

May 2011 be the year where you resolve to give more than you receive and in turn receive more love, joy, peace and abundance than you think your heart can hold.

Sending you love and light,
Amber

Takin' It to the Street

I am very appreciative of the wonderful fruit and vegetable stands all over New York where fresh produce is so readily available. I think of these lovely vendors more as the cold weather sets in. I wonder how they can stand outside all day and often into the evening.

I passed by one of the local stands which I frequent and asked the man (Reminds me to get his name next time:) how he was doing in the cold. I mentioned that maybe I'll bring him some coffee next time. I asked him how he liked his coffee and made a mental note. I knew that I would follow through yet am guessing the man thought I was just making conversation.

A few days later, I had the thought to get the coffee on my way to the subway. I gave it to the man and he seemed appreciative. I left and went about my day happy that I could enhance someone elses.

I needed to get some veggies that night and went back to the stand. I checked in with myself on my intention for going to that veggie stand as there were others on my way home. I wanted to make sure that my intention was pure and that I wasn’t going there specifically to receive praise for my kindness. I felt fine if he didn’t even mention it so was sure that I was unattached to his response. Yes, the man did mention how much he appreciated the coffee which again shows me how much people need to be uplifted.

I bring up this intention question as I personally know what it’s like to feel so bad about myself that I did things for the sole purpose of proving to myself and the world that I was a decent human being. I was also very familiar with seeking crumbs of acknowledgement wherever they were thrown. I am deeply grateful to have moved far from that painful reality.

3 questions to ask yourself when doing something nice for another person:
1. Would I do it if the kindness recipient didn't show me any outward appreciation?
2. Am I expecting anything in return for my kindness?
3. Would I do this if I couldn't tell anyone what I did?

I believe that the best way to practice an unselfish act (to make sure that ego gratification is not your motivation) is to do it anonymously. What I mean by this is to do something nice to someone who is not present yet will receive the benefit of your kindness in the near future. The importance here is that your ego is not being stroked by the praise and appreciation of another.

Some good examples are: picking up trash from the sidewalk or in a public bathroom or picking up items that fell off the grocery store shelf with the intent to create a better environment for those to come. Also great is to leave a note on a stranger's door (or better yet add some flowers) wishing them a glorious day.

The next best option is to do something nice for a stranger who will probably acknowledge you yet you are likely less attached to receiving their approval than you are with those you have ongoing relationships with. There is also no way you can earn brownie points or expect something back from them in the future.

Some good examples are: opening the door for someone, giving up your seat on the subway (look for a future post on the benefit of witnessing kind acts) and wishing someone a nice day.

KINDNESS KREATION: Perform one anonymous unselfish act a day for the next 3 days. Then perform one unselfish act towards a stranger a day for the 3 days after that. Post comments on how it feels to perform each. Was there any differences? Can you now give to people you know and love in a more unselfish way?

Please remember that a small gesture on your part could impact someone's view on the world from "All people are unfriendly" to "There is one nice person in the world." That shift may seem small to you yet it could be miraculous and life-changing for that person.

With love and light,
Amber

Embrace the Joy of Gift Giving

I know that the holiday season is in full swing (and is over for many) yet it’s still worth checking in on how you’re feeling. Do you feel stressed, inadequate as you may not get “it” right this year and anxious about the impending credit card bills? If so, then take a breath and honestly answer this question for yourself:

Am I willing to try something new this year that has the potential to leave me feeling more loving and connected to those in my life?

I am not suggesting that you abandon all gift giving or even radically change what you are doing. What I am suggesting is that you bring a different intention into any gift you give this holiday and throughout the upcoming year. Make your top priority be: How can my gifts be heart-centered and really demonstrate the love and care I feel for the receiver? Desire for the person to feel loved, understood and fully seen the minute they rip off the paper or open the envelope. Adding a special note stating the intention behind your gift is a wonderful way to enhance the experience for the receiver.

I am a big proponent of seeing is believing. Try it out for yourself. Experiment. Give the gift you have already purchased or planned to give and the one that is drenched in love and fully heart- centered and see which one the gift recipient is still talking about throughout the coming year.

Two gifts I gave that really speak to the soul of the person were:

1. On many occasions a dear friend (aged 55) shared about her painful and abusive alcohol infused upbringing. One time she confided that it deeply saddened her that no one ever read her a bedtime story. I immediately got excited about the thought of providing that experience for her.

I excitedly planned a trip to my local bookstore and purchased a beautiful hardcover book filled with traditional children’s stories. I borrowed a tape recorder from a friend and read a few stories into the recorder. (My voice was far from melodious yet the great thing about homemade gifts is that the thought is really what counts. Imperfections are like your personal heart signature.) I then wrapped the book and the tape so that she could either hear a bedtime story read to her by a dear friend or gift herself with one directly from the book.

My friend was not fully able to receive the heartfelt nature and deep sentiment of the gift. I was fine with that as I know it touched a tender place in her. I knew that my heart was in the right place and trusted that hers was as well.

This was not a gift for any specific occasion. The occasion was that my heart said seize this opportunity to shower someone in love. Remember there does not need to be a calendar holiday to show someone you love them. It is even more special to give someone a meaningful gift because they mean something to you. The surprise of it adds to its deep sentiment.

2. My sister spent many hours a month tending to the kitties at an animal rescue facility. I knew that being of loving service to these furry beings while they awaited loving homes meant the world to her. So I decided to make a donation there in her name.

This was not a very unique gift as many make donations in people’s names all the time. No matter this gift said I value what is important to you and I support your involvement in it. This gift said what is important to you is important to me.

These types of gifts that feel so inspired are such a joy to think up, plan and give. It’s as if you are receiving the gift before the other person does.

A small effort on your part could move mountains in the life of another. What a great reward for performing such a pleasure act.

I enjoy creating loving and personalized gifts for people. Feel free to reach out to me for some suggestions.

Wishing you a holiday season that wraps you with abundance and love,
Amber

Thank Yous Have a Long Shelf Life

I wanted to share a recent interaction I had with my local tailor Eddie that is such a wonderful example of how simple acts of kindness have more of an effect than we realize at the time we are expressing them.

My winter coat was in need of a new zipper so I recently went to see Eddie who had expertly fixed some of my clothes in early and mid-2008. Eddie looked at my coat and told me what was needed yet didn't make any mention that he remembered me. He then told me that he'd give me a discount as that's "what a Princess deserves." I smiled and thanked him.

We spoke for a few more minutes and he told me some of the things going on in his life. He then told me that the coat would be ready for pick up the following Monday. As it was so cold I asked if he could have it done any sooner as "he didn't want this princess to freeze." :)

As I was about to leave, he said that he remembered me from a year ago. He then smiled and asked me if I recalled what I had sent him back then. I couldn't believe he could be talking about what I thought so I automatically said "No." Then I asked, "the thank you card?" He beamed and said "Yes." He said that I was only the third person who had sent him a thank you card in 11 years.

I was and still am shocked that only 3 of the hundreds of customers he has serviced in 11 years took the few minutes out of their lives to share a simple gesture that honors another. I have found that writing a note or letter seems to have more of an impact than a verbal thank you or simply hitting the send button on an ecard.  

Interestingly, he thought I had been there a year ago when it has actually been about 2 1/2 years. Clearly the memory of my note stayed fresh in his mind. He also remembered details about the other 2 people who appreciated him many years later. There is no telling the magnitude that something done in love can have on a single person or the world. Just do it with generosity of Spirit and let go of the impact.

Clearly the takeaway here is that people need and crave appreciation and it's so easy to take the few minutes that may be remembered exponentially. I have often heard people say that they feel ignored, devalued, unacknowledged, invisible, lonely etc... yet I have never heard someone say that I am too loved and too appreciated.

KINDESS KREATION: (Hint: this icon indicates something you can do to share yourself unselfishly with the world.) Ok, your turn to start the appreciation process. Who can you thank? It may be easier to start with someone you don't know very well so you don't expect any accolades for your gesture. (Look for a future post on the intention behind unselfish acts.)

Your voice and kindness is always valued. Please share your stories below.

I am now on my way to pick up my coat with loving holiday card in hand:)

UPDATE: I went to pick up my coat and waited in line as Eddie finished up with a customer. I noticed this customer was reading something as Eddie filled out her receipt. She then showed me the card I had sent to Eddie 2 1/2 years ago!!! I learned that Eddie had proudly taken it off his bulletin board and handed it to her when I walked in.

I wanted Eddie to read what I had written about him on this blog so I gave him a slip of paper with this blog's URL on it. This customer was touched by the card and asked for the blog URL to learn the background. I continue to be amazed at the ripple effect of small acts of kindness. I need no more evidence to know their importance and I will dedicate my life to spreading them far and wide.

In love, light and thankfulness,
Amber

An Avalanche of Abundance Awaits You

Yeah my first blog post. This has been a long time coming. I am both excited and scared at being so open, transparent and vulnerable. Sharing who I truly am with the world in such an official fashion is something I have been resisting for years. I purchased the URL for the Kindness Karousel in mid-2008 and I let the domain name expire the next year without having typed a single word.

No more hiding or pretending that I don't know who I truly am. Now is clearly the time to step forth as a force of love and light in the world.

I wrote the wisdom nugget below a number of years ago and it feels relevant as I write my first blog post. It came to me after I saw an image of all that my heart could desire on the other side of a closed door.

"An avalanche of abundance is awaiting me behind the door I'm most afraid to open."

I wondered how I could unlock that door and watch all the goodies flow in. The answer I got was that FEAR (False Evidence Appearing Real) barricaded the door shut. I knew that my task was to face my greatest fears so that I could unleash the power that would unlock the door and more importantly lead me back to myself.

I have done a very effective (yet painful) job of hiding my soul's passion and purpose behind fear and its many manifestations: addictions, anger, judgment, isolating, resisting change etc... I am living proof that what you resist persists.

I am fully confident that merely taking a small action like writing this post will move me in the direction of more fully embracing a life where I radiate love and light NO MATTER WHAT is happening within me or in the world around me.

Ok, so I faced the fear and will now push publish for the first time. Creak, creak, creak. I just heard my door inching open. I can already feel more peace flowing in. And other posts forming in my mind. (Stay tuned for a post on spiraling down fears to see how pesky our brains can be at believing the absurd).

How wonderful and immediate we can see changes in the outside world when we make internal shifts. The shifts don't need to be large yet the intention needs to be pure.

What's on the other side of your door? Are you ready to face the fears that have been chasing you for years? What small change can you make today that will set the avalanche in motion?

Your comments are enthusiastically encouraged and welcomed. Your experience will undoubtedly inspire and/or help someone else. And isn't that the whole point of living and co-creating alongside our fellow humans?

In love and light,
Amber