Is Being Nice Really Nice?

As always I either write from personal experience, from the experiences of people I know or about a challenge I am facing that I want to shift.

I feel that I am in a reinvention process of becoming who I truly am as opposed to being who I think I am suppose to be to be liked, successful and happy. Not surprisingly my persistent unhappiness was a result of getting it all wrong. I lived from a preconceived notion of how to act in different situations as opposed to being open and flowing with the needs of that particular situation and in relation to the person(s) I was engaging with.

Right now, I am working on the difference between “being nice” and “being kind.” The word “nice” may be an innocuous word for some yet for me it comes with a lot of baggage. If this is not a buzzword for you then you probably don't hypervigilantly scan your environment and look for ways to control circumstances and people in your path.

I have always wanted to “be  nice.” Mother Theresa was my ideal because if I was always nice then people would love me and met my needs. And being unlovable was my deepest fear (as it is for so many of us if we are rigorously honest with ourselves). I also feared conflict and my thought was that if I was always nice and in essence did whatever anyone wanted me to do then there would be no dissension. Then I would feel comfortable. Oh the desire to be comfortable ruled my life. And kept me in a very small and painful comfort zone.

What my blinding rage has finally led me to is that I appeared to be nice by saying yes or went out of my way to accommodate others (when my insides were screaming NO WAY!) yet I was not being nice to anyone. I could not hide my true feelings and the other person either did not appreciate the gesture or felt like they were indebted to me. Like there was a silent and unwelcome contract between us. No matter what you say or do, people will feel your inner discord and it will make them very uncomfortable and you will suffer the consequences of your inner split in one way or another. Either the other person will distance themselves from you or you will feel less connected to yourself and experience that pain. Anytime we reject our needs or abandon ourselves to meet the needs of another that sets off a disastrous reaction that has farther reaching consequences than we can imagine.

I would like to clarify the big difference between compromising and being overly accommodating. It is ok to compromise on something like going to a certain restaurant for dinner that would make someone else happy when you don’t really care about what you eat that evening. It is very different if you dislike or are allergic to the food there, you think that the staff is rude and it is so loud that you left with a headache the last time you dined there. Clearly you saying yes I’d be happy to eat there tonight in the second scenario will probably leave you feeling resentful of the other person and angry at yourself for not being strong enough to set a very clear and appropriate boundary.

I believe that the only way to be truly kind to another is to be in touch with your own inner guidance system and approach another in the Spirit of Love. When your inner yes is in alignment with your outer yes. Or your inner no is in alignment with your outer no. This does not mean that we never make compromises or sacrifices for the people that we love. It simply means that we are at peace with whatever choice we make before we share it with another.

A healthy relationship can only be sustained when each person is in a loving relationship with themselves first and foremost. When one knows that they are worthy of love no matter what they do for another. Where one can weather the storms that may come from saying no to another. When one can hold their own feelings ranging from rage to sadness to abandonment when another says no to them as an honoring of themselves.

Saying no can not only be nice yet an act of tremendous courage and self-love. May you get clear on your yeses and nos and express them unapologetically and with the truth and power of who you are.

With love and light,
Amber