Is Being Nice Really Nice?

As always I either write from personal experience, from the experiences of people I know or about a challenge I am facing that I want to shift.

I feel that I am in a reinvention process of becoming who I truly am as opposed to being who I think I am suppose to be to be liked, successful and happy. Not surprisingly my persistent unhappiness was a result of getting it all wrong. I lived from a preconceived notion of how to act in different situations as opposed to being open and flowing with the needs of that particular situation and in relation to the person(s) I was engaging with.

Right now, I am working on the difference between “being nice” and “being kind.” The word “nice” may be an innocuous word for some yet for me it comes with a lot of baggage. If this is not a buzzword for you then you probably don't hypervigilantly scan your environment and look for ways to control circumstances and people in your path.

I have always wanted to “be  nice.” Mother Theresa was my ideal because if I was always nice then people would love me and met my needs. And being unlovable was my deepest fear (as it is for so many of us if we are rigorously honest with ourselves). I also feared conflict and my thought was that if I was always nice and in essence did whatever anyone wanted me to do then there would be no dissension. Then I would feel comfortable. Oh the desire to be comfortable ruled my life. And kept me in a very small and painful comfort zone.

What my blinding rage has finally led me to is that I appeared to be nice by saying yes or went out of my way to accommodate others (when my insides were screaming NO WAY!) yet I was not being nice to anyone. I could not hide my true feelings and the other person either did not appreciate the gesture or felt like they were indebted to me. Like there was a silent and unwelcome contract between us. No matter what you say or do, people will feel your inner discord and it will make them very uncomfortable and you will suffer the consequences of your inner split in one way or another. Either the other person will distance themselves from you or you will feel less connected to yourself and experience that pain. Anytime we reject our needs or abandon ourselves to meet the needs of another that sets off a disastrous reaction that has farther reaching consequences than we can imagine.

I would like to clarify the big difference between compromising and being overly accommodating. It is ok to compromise on something like going to a certain restaurant for dinner that would make someone else happy when you don’t really care about what you eat that evening. It is very different if you dislike or are allergic to the food there, you think that the staff is rude and it is so loud that you left with a headache the last time you dined there. Clearly you saying yes I’d be happy to eat there tonight in the second scenario will probably leave you feeling resentful of the other person and angry at yourself for not being strong enough to set a very clear and appropriate boundary.

I believe that the only way to be truly kind to another is to be in touch with your own inner guidance system and approach another in the Spirit of Love. When your inner yes is in alignment with your outer yes. Or your inner no is in alignment with your outer no. This does not mean that we never make compromises or sacrifices for the people that we love. It simply means that we are at peace with whatever choice we make before we share it with another.

A healthy relationship can only be sustained when each person is in a loving relationship with themselves first and foremost. When one knows that they are worthy of love no matter what they do for another. Where one can weather the storms that may come from saying no to another. When one can hold their own feelings ranging from rage to sadness to abandonment when another says no to them as an honoring of themselves.

Saying no can not only be nice yet an act of tremendous courage and self-love. May you get clear on your yeses and nos and express them unapologetically and with the truth and power of who you are.

With love and light,
Amber

Takin' It to the Street

I am very appreciative of the wonderful fruit and vegetable stands all over New York where fresh produce is so readily available. I think of these lovely vendors more as the cold weather sets in. I wonder how they can stand outside all day and often into the evening.

I passed by one of the local stands which I frequent and asked the man (Reminds me to get his name next time:) how he was doing in the cold. I mentioned that maybe I'll bring him some coffee next time. I asked him how he liked his coffee and made a mental note. I knew that I would follow through yet am guessing the man thought I was just making conversation.

A few days later, I had the thought to get the coffee on my way to the subway. I gave it to the man and he seemed appreciative. I left and went about my day happy that I could enhance someone elses.

I needed to get some veggies that night and went back to the stand. I checked in with myself on my intention for going to that veggie stand as there were others on my way home. I wanted to make sure that my intention was pure and that I wasn’t going there specifically to receive praise for my kindness. I felt fine if he didn’t even mention it so was sure that I was unattached to his response. Yes, the man did mention how much he appreciated the coffee which again shows me how much people need to be uplifted.

I bring up this intention question as I personally know what it’s like to feel so bad about myself that I did things for the sole purpose of proving to myself and the world that I was a decent human being. I was also very familiar with seeking crumbs of acknowledgement wherever they were thrown. I am deeply grateful to have moved far from that painful reality.

3 questions to ask yourself when doing something nice for another person:
1. Would I do it if the kindness recipient didn't show me any outward appreciation?
2. Am I expecting anything in return for my kindness?
3. Would I do this if I couldn't tell anyone what I did?

I believe that the best way to practice an unselfish act (to make sure that ego gratification is not your motivation) is to do it anonymously. What I mean by this is to do something nice to someone who is not present yet will receive the benefit of your kindness in the near future. The importance here is that your ego is not being stroked by the praise and appreciation of another.

Some good examples are: picking up trash from the sidewalk or in a public bathroom or picking up items that fell off the grocery store shelf with the intent to create a better environment for those to come. Also great is to leave a note on a stranger's door (or better yet add some flowers) wishing them a glorious day.

The next best option is to do something nice for a stranger who will probably acknowledge you yet you are likely less attached to receiving their approval than you are with those you have ongoing relationships with. There is also no way you can earn brownie points or expect something back from them in the future.

Some good examples are: opening the door for someone, giving up your seat on the subway (look for a future post on the benefit of witnessing kind acts) and wishing someone a nice day.

KINDNESS KREATION: Perform one anonymous unselfish act a day for the next 3 days. Then perform one unselfish act towards a stranger a day for the 3 days after that. Post comments on how it feels to perform each. Was there any differences? Can you now give to people you know and love in a more unselfish way?

Please remember that a small gesture on your part could impact someone's view on the world from "All people are unfriendly" to "There is one nice person in the world." That shift may seem small to you yet it could be miraculous and life-changing for that person.

With love and light,
Amber