Is Being Nice Really Nice?

As always I either write from personal experience, from the experiences of people I know or about a challenge I am facing that I want to shift.

I feel that I am in a reinvention process of becoming who I truly am as opposed to being who I think I am suppose to be to be liked, successful and happy. Not surprisingly my persistent unhappiness was a result of getting it all wrong. I lived from a preconceived notion of how to act in different situations as opposed to being open and flowing with the needs of that particular situation and in relation to the person(s) I was engaging with.

Right now, I am working on the difference between “being nice” and “being kind.” The word “nice” may be an innocuous word for some yet for me it comes with a lot of baggage. If this is not a buzzword for you then you probably don't hypervigilantly scan your environment and look for ways to control circumstances and people in your path.

I have always wanted to “be  nice.” Mother Theresa was my ideal because if I was always nice then people would love me and met my needs. And being unlovable was my deepest fear (as it is for so many of us if we are rigorously honest with ourselves). I also feared conflict and my thought was that if I was always nice and in essence did whatever anyone wanted me to do then there would be no dissension. Then I would feel comfortable. Oh the desire to be comfortable ruled my life. And kept me in a very small and painful comfort zone.

What my blinding rage has finally led me to is that I appeared to be nice by saying yes or went out of my way to accommodate others (when my insides were screaming NO WAY!) yet I was not being nice to anyone. I could not hide my true feelings and the other person either did not appreciate the gesture or felt like they were indebted to me. Like there was a silent and unwelcome contract between us. No matter what you say or do, people will feel your inner discord and it will make them very uncomfortable and you will suffer the consequences of your inner split in one way or another. Either the other person will distance themselves from you or you will feel less connected to yourself and experience that pain. Anytime we reject our needs or abandon ourselves to meet the needs of another that sets off a disastrous reaction that has farther reaching consequences than we can imagine.

I would like to clarify the big difference between compromising and being overly accommodating. It is ok to compromise on something like going to a certain restaurant for dinner that would make someone else happy when you don’t really care about what you eat that evening. It is very different if you dislike or are allergic to the food there, you think that the staff is rude and it is so loud that you left with a headache the last time you dined there. Clearly you saying yes I’d be happy to eat there tonight in the second scenario will probably leave you feeling resentful of the other person and angry at yourself for not being strong enough to set a very clear and appropriate boundary.

I believe that the only way to be truly kind to another is to be in touch with your own inner guidance system and approach another in the Spirit of Love. When your inner yes is in alignment with your outer yes. Or your inner no is in alignment with your outer no. This does not mean that we never make compromises or sacrifices for the people that we love. It simply means that we are at peace with whatever choice we make before we share it with another.

A healthy relationship can only be sustained when each person is in a loving relationship with themselves first and foremost. When one knows that they are worthy of love no matter what they do for another. Where one can weather the storms that may come from saying no to another. When one can hold their own feelings ranging from rage to sadness to abandonment when another says no to them as an honoring of themselves.

Saying no can not only be nice yet an act of tremendous courage and self-love. May you get clear on your yeses and nos and express them unapologetically and with the truth and power of who you are.

With love and light,
Amber

Living Your Intention

Well here I am back again! I wasn't sure when the day would come when I would desire to repost. I am here as I had an experience last night that reminded me of my mission to spread love and kindness and I wanted to put it out in a concrete way. To solidify my commitment and energize its power.

My last post was on February 5, 2011. The fact that I did not want to or was not called to continue my blog is ok. As it is ok if you started something and fell short of your goal. We can all drop the self-criticism and loud cries of failure and recommit to whatever we are intending for our lives in this very moment.

I was walking in NYC with a friend last night and I just happened to mention one of  my past posts called Takin It To the Street. Before I could share with him what it was about, a poor black man came up to us and  asked for money for him and his family as he could not find work. I immediately offered him one of the bushels of bananas I had purchased moments before. Afterwards, I turned to my friend and for a moment I was shocked that he was standing next to me. I thought about it and realized that I had shared an intimate connection with this stranger and I was so present in the moment that it was just me and him. Seeing the Divinity in all  is part of my definition of love and I was so grateful to be able to practice it. I didn't need to check in on my intention for giving away the bananas as my deeply positive feelings let me know the purity of the gesture. (See Takin It To the Street to get clear on your true intention for doing nice things for others.)

When we make a commitment to ourselves or reaffirm who we want to be in the world, the Universe will give us opportunities to own our vision of our best selves. Or give us the free will to reject that vision and allow us to stay stuck in the pain of separation until we are ready to do otherwise. I felt so grateful to have received an immediate opportunity to put my desire to be a force of love and kindness out into the world. Yes, it may have been a very small outward gesture yet was a giant inward leap towards embodying my true nature and purpose. Sometimes I am amazed at how quickly we are given exactly what we ask for or desperately need in any given moment. I vow to expect this Universal support and to be grateful for any form it arrives to me in.

Are you actively living who you truly are or just making plans to be that person someday when the rest of your life is in order or your to do lists are all checked off? It was recently suggested to me that I am carrying extra "weight" because I am always "waiting" to move forward with my life until all of my criteria are met (including losing weight!). Mmmmm... taking action as a weight loss method. Genuis!!! Guess what? It is already working for me:)

Glad to be posting today. I will stay in today and go where I am led. May you allow yourself to be led to a better place than you could design, plan or map out.

With love and gratitude,
Amber